My Story: Nudism Changed How I Viewed My Body

Written by Kelly M. Hanner

Being confident wasn’t something that came easy for me.

Growing up, I witnessed my mother jump from one fad diet to the next. Jenny Craig, the cabbage soup diet, meal replacement shakes, Lean Cuisine meals, weight loss pills, etc. You name it, she tried it.

Couple that with seeing her display for me day in and day out how much she hated her body, it was the perfect recipe for a mind virus to slip into my impressionable mind.

I distinctly remember joining her for Weight Watchers weigh-ins. The look of accomplishment as she stepped on the scale to find that all of her point tracking from the previous week resulted in a couple of pounds weight loss would quickly dissolve into the past when the following week she’d step on the scale at weigh-ins only to have disappointment wash over her face as she discovered that she had gained it right back. She might have thought it was nothing to have me tag along, but it programmed something deep within me that made me think my worth & confidence was directly related to how much I weighed.

It should come as no surprise that I eventually developed eating disorders at various stages of my life.

Restricting calories so much that my 8th grade teacher asked me if I had an eating problem, to which I quickly responded “oh no I could never stop eating, I love food.” What a lie.

Then rebounding from anorexia to binge eating. Binging on cereal bars in my bedroom behind closed doors with all the wrappers and boxes quickly piling up under my bed, hiding the evidence and my shame became commonplace.

Once the shame and insecurity from binging on food became too much to handle, I started the sick cycle of binging and purging.

The bulimia lasted in secrecy for years. It was like an addiction to me. I had an insatiable urge to binge and purge, not feeling satisfied until I binged and purged all the contents from my stomach.

All of the disordered eating came from a deep place of insecurity & self-hatred. When you mix together the programming I received from my mother with the programming from the media of the 1990s, it’s a miracle I made it out on the other side. With my most impressionable years being consumed by 90’s culture which cherished waif celebrities like Calista Flockhart from Ally McBeal, and supermodels Kate Moss it’s no wonder I felt inferior one my soft body. The culture of the 90’s basically pushed an idea that if you’re weren’t a size 00 you were overweight, ugly, and no guy would want you.

Eventually, through the mindful use of psychedelics and diving into personal development resources like Tony Robbins seminars and self-help books, I managed to come out on the other side of the disordered eating and negative mindset that plagued me most of my life. While I was on a better path mentally and physically, and my confidence was better than ever, I still felt shame and insecurities surrounding my body.

It wasn’t until I took a solo trip to the Big Island of Hawaii that all of that changed.

Bouncing from one beach to the next, I spoke with some people who had mentioned a clothing-optional black sand beach that I should check out.

Being that I grew up going to a catholic grade school in the Midwest, the idea of anything clothing optional was beyond taboo. Not only was I questioning going to the nude beach because it defied all the programming that I grew up with but also being a single female traveling alone, visiting a clothing-optional beach sounded like a good way to feel really uncomfortable. Sounds silly now, but I was really concerned not only for my safety but also the safety of my ego – I imagined myself nude on the beach with all of these perfect-looking strangers judging me and all of my bodies imperfections.

But being someone who likes to say yes to new experiences that push me outside of my comfort zone, I went.

Much to my surprise, while walking the beach I saw a fair mix of men, women, teens, and children all decked out in their birthday suits. Blowing all my preconceived notions out of the water, I saw people of every age, body type, sexual orientation, and color unashamed of their bodies, happily enjoying being out in nature without a care in the world. Proudly rocking their stretch marks, cellulite, and belly rolls… not for a second allowing those things to keep their naked bodies from enjoying the sun. Parents embodying body positivity for their children, no shame what so ever, and nothing weird or icky about being nude in front of their kids.

It was that moment that forever changed how I view my body and nudity.

I found the most perfect place to lay my beach towel, and without a second thought I stripped down to my birthday suit and confidently, without shame or judgment, laid under the sun, fully embracing my nude form.

Now I seek out opportunities to be nude amongst friends and strangers alike. Something happens when you strip down to your bare self, without all the clothing and designer labels we’re free to just exist as we were meant to before all of the social, cultural and religious programming got in the way.

Finding clothing optional spots has been therapeutic for me, helping me to undo the last bit of negative programming surrounding my appreciation and love for my body. I wish that everyone could experience a clothing-optional spot just once to really see how beautiful all bodies truly are and that there’s no reason to beat yourself up over whatever flaws you may have- we all have them to some level- and those imperfections are what makes us, us. I wouldn’t have it any other way now.

May we all embrace our bodies just as they are, without shame or hesitation.

Kelly Hanner is a digital storyteller empowering people to embrace their nude selves, and encourages radical self love and acceptance through unconventional methods like psychedelic therapy. Follow her through: